You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
