Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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