apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
