just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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