oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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