im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
