Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
