Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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