It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize