I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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