Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
