I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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