i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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