how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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