Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
