he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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