Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I enjoy the company of your penis
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
