if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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