I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
