Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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