hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
