I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We are all done wearing pants today
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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