I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize