i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
