Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
