shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize