Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
