Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
