Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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