If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
