life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
