yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
