the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
