I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
