And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
