my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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