She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
