Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
