Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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