Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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