After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize