The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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