My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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