I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
