is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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