I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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