she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
