just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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