4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
