She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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