My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize