My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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