put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
