He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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