I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
