I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
ttyl tear gas
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
