You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
