What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
