I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
