Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
